What is Love: Knowing the Difference between Lust, Limerence, and Lifetime
The atmosphere in the world currently has people divided. It seems lately all we hear about is actions of hate. Everything is quickly changing and escalating. Despite it all, there is one constant, people still desire love. But what is love? The true answer is, it’s decided by the individual. The most widely accepted definition is a profoundly tender or passionate affection for another person.
Love can take many forms. There is personal attachment or deep affection like with a parent, child, or friend (strictly platonic). Or it can be sexual passion, or desire. Interestingly enough, I know of quite a few relationships that started off as sexual that evolved into lasting and loving platonic friendships. I also know of a ton of relationships that started off as platonic that turned into lasting loving marriages. That was my experience.
After seven years of being strictly friends with someone, one day I began to look at them differently. The person I married, I met when we were teenagers. However, after experiencing life altering events we found ourselves spending lots of time with each other having long conversations. We discovered that we had the same expectations and definition of the kind of union we wanted. I entered my marriage on the condition that we would be honest and mutually beneficial to each other. That went beyond feelings, it became about obligation.
I want to be clear, I absolutely adore my husband, neither one of us has had any entanglements, but that is because we uphold our agreed obligations to each other. A commonly accepted definition of marriage is a formal union and social contract between two individuals that unites their lives legally, economically, and emotionally. Many people have confused love and marriage. The desire to get married has led to people trumping other considerations, such as the desire to have children, convenience, or finances for the ideal of happily ever after.
Research has found the most common reasons people give for their divorce are, too much arguing, infidelity, unrealistic expectations, and lack of preparation for marriage. According to the website, institutedfa.com, North America’s three leading causes of divorce are "basic incompatibility" (43%), "infidelity" (28%), and "money issues" (22%). This is because on top of confusing marriage and love, many people confuse limerence and love. Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person. It typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies. The goal is to form or maintain a relationship with the object of affection and have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence can last a few weeks to several decades, with the average being 18 months to three years. Sounds like love to me.
To understand love, many reference the bible. Scripture says that love is patient and kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth. However, when it comes to affection the bible says, if you want to know where a man heart is, see where he spends his money. The truth of the matter, everyone has their own definition of love. That is why I love the concept of the five love languages.
The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Understanding them and that everyone expresses love differently, is why I have been in a loving relationship for almost two decades. Sometimes people call us "couple goals". I tell them, what they see is two people who are committed enough to balance selfishness and sacrifice repeatedly, which is required for true love.